He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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