I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
