I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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