how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
