My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
