the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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