M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
