why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
