youre lurking in front of me
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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