i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
