Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
