dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
