We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
