You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
