I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
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I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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