I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
