1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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