god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Randomize
