This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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