Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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