I puked a lego.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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