dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
