i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is Oprah even human
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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