i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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