Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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