when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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