go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
two words: eviction party
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
