u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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