there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
