Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
