He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
