My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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