5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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