ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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