Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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