Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
