I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
