i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
