my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
