Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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