mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Less talking, more tequila
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
