Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
