I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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