what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
