Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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