I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
