Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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