Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
