call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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