So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
