Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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