I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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