i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
