I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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