dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
