Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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