the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize