I'm sorry my penis didn't work
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
