By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
