After last night, I could never be a politician.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
