I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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